Still Alive

That's right folks, I'm still alive! 

I'm so sorry for my absence in the blog-o-sphere, especially after leaving you with such a cliff-hanger in the last entry!

I'm obviously pretty busy at the moment, so despite the heaps of things I'd love to say, this will be a quick-and-to-the-point update!

1) My visa run was eventful, but ultimately safe and successful. I loved getting to see northern Thailand - it is lush jungles and breath-taking mountains. The culture is colorful, the food is unique and the lifestyle is less civilized. There were ample opportunities for things to go wrong - let this be my due diligence of letting any future single, young, female world travelers know that I wouldn't recommend a solo visa run in Southeast Asia - but I acted on faith, and the Lord carried me through! I really felt as if I was wrapped in prayer by others the entire time, and God taught me that when I am obedient to Him that I should not be afraid to take larger and larger steps of faith; not knowingly walking into situations that are unsafe, but willingly going where I am uncomfortable and trusting that He's bigger. I'm grateful that God provided the resources for me to see a completely different part of Thailand unlike the crazy city I live in, and for me to take care of my visa without spending a fortune and spending days in an immigration office!

2) I've reached the "adjustment phase" where Thailand has lost its novelty, and I'm ready for familiar things again. The impenetrable crowds of people that seem to be everywhere I need to be, the process of navigating streets, weaving in and out of those crowds while trying to keep one hand on my purse and one hand out to steady myself combined with the smells and the heat and the humidity...it's hard. At first everything was new and interesting and felt like a new cultural experience (evidently that's the first stage of adjusting to a new culture), but now it just feels like a challenge to go for a walk. I'm saying this just to ask you to pray. I didn't expect for homesickness to come over 2 months into living here. Bur, "this too shall pass." Supposedly the next stage is assigning value to the things that you prefer in your home culture and the things that you prefer about the foreign culture in which you live, meaning that by the time I get back I'll be missing things about Thailand.

3) Tomorrow is the last day of the first week of a 3 week English course for 1st through 9th graders here at the BSC. I am teaching everyday, each grade, twice a week. Hence my business. I've been preparing lesson plans and collecting supplies for about a month, and I realized on the first day that the way I was planning to do things isn't really going to work! So, I've been throwing things together each night/early morning and rolling with the punches during the day, but it's all going surprisingly well. It's chaotic and less organized than I would like, but the students are learning about God's love for them - they're taking it in and processing it - and they seem to be having a bit of fun in the process. Please cover it in prayer with me!  

4) In preparing for "Mini Course" (aforementioned 3 week class), I was asked to do a seminar about discipline for the Thai teachers. At the time I did not fully realize that discipline, self-discipline or otherwise, had no place in Thai culture. It's been an uphill battle in trying to instill a value of discipline in the teachers, or a respect for it in the children, one that I honestly have surrendered as being the Lord's and not mine. I mention it only because of what God is teaching me through all of it.

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful, yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Hebrews 12:7-11

God has convicted me of the ways that I rear up against His discipline toward me. First, when I sense Him at work in me, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at the time, it is proof that I am His child and that He cares what is going on with me. Second, it is my choice whether or not I allow myself to be "trained by it" - if I would submit myself to the discomfort of the undesirable parts of me being uprooted, then I would begin to bear the fruit that I long for and cease to endure the same trials again and again. 

"The love of God is unconditional, but His favor and blessing are not."

 -Dutch Sheets, Intercessory Prayer

If I would accept the instruction that He gives me, however sorrowful it may seem, then later the joy would drive me forward in a pursuit of pleasing Him. Recognizing the responsibility that the Scriptures put on me, and ceasing to use God's sovereignty as an excuse to take the pressure off, would take half the fight out of the battle in the struggle between my flesh and my spirit. 

Well, that's how I'm doing and what I'm up to! I really am doing well, and seeing beauty in the chaos. My strength is waning, and I am glad - that I may ever more depend upon His strength and not my own. 

Rice and Beans for Dessert

When it's 2:30am and I can't sleep, it's usually because I'm thinking about all the things that don't make sense to me. I'm one of those people that can't turn my brain off when I'm trying to understand something, no matter how tired I am. Thailand is absolutely full of things that don't make sense to me. Which, given the aforementioned need-to-understand-my-world is not conducive to halting the internal processing train. So, yes, it's the middle of the night and I'm flying to Chiang Mai tomorrow...and I'm blogging.

Let's start with rice, beans and corn for dessert. In America, we love a good ole side dish of starch with our dinner. Being from an authentic Cajun family, I love rice with my gumbo, jambalaya, étoufée and my red beans. We top our rice with gravy and our beans with sauce and usually some salt.

Not sugar.

In Thailand, rice is eaten frequently at every meal of the day - breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert. Sticky rice, in particular, can be formed into any shape, boiled in banana leaves to give it a gummy texture, then sprinkled with sugar and makes a tasty on-the-go snack. This I can almost understand...I mean "rice pudding" sort of makes sense to me as a dessert (sort of), and rice isn't eaten exclusively with sugar. But beans and corn?? These are considered foods exclusively to be consumed as sweet treats. You can buy either one from a street vendor mixed with milk and sugar and served warm with a spoon. They also show up in pies, the bottom of smoothies, ice cream sundaes....Starbucks even has a green tea frappuccino with red beans in it. No, I have not tried it. McDonalds and Dairy Queen ice cream shops offer all your favorite dessert toppings - tuna, corn, pineapple, black beans, red beans - but don't have apple or strawberry. WHY. I wonder if it is conversely as disgusting to them to imagine us eating our corn and beans sprinkled with salt.

Moving on to a slightly more serious topic...culture shock. Supposedly it's culture shock in me to see everything in this country as being inefficient, so I'm intentionally going to say that it is just so very different, as opposed to inefficient. First of all, I should say that of all the Asian countries that God could have sent me to, and considering that all the ones immediately surrounding me are neck-high in corruption, unrest and/or political upheaval, I'm very grateful that I live in Thailand. The Thai people are friendly, meek and gracious, and it's a free country like the one I come from. But the general philosophy about life here is basically "put a band-aid on it" and I DON'T GET IT.

Oh the 30 year old air conditioner is leaking? Put a band-aid on it. (Just replace it.)

Oh the door knob broke? Put a band-aid on it. (Get a new one.)

Oh your car broke down? Put a band-aid on it. (CALL A TAXI!)

There is a common expression in Thailand that means "don't worry about it" or "no problem" - mai pen rai (my pen rye). It is used (over-used?) in any and every situation. Oh you brought your durian into the office and the whole thing now smells like a public bathroom? Mai pen rai. Oh you forgot your wallet again and have no money to contribute to dinner? Mai pen rai. Oh you didn't make that really important phone call for me yesterday? Mai pen rai. If a Thai person is genuinely peeved about something, they won't say so - they say just the opposite. Now here's where I get confused. "Mai" means "no" (essentially), making the statement "no" worries/problem - but removing "no" from the statement does not make it a positive statement. "Pen rai" is not a phrase.

There is literally no linguistic way in the Thai language to communicate that there IS, in fact, a problem or worry.

Oh I just realized I didn't explain what durian is. Ok so durian is this famous Thai fruit that smells like a mixture of onions and fermenting urine. IT'S DISGUSTING. Many establishments post signs on the doors forbidding anyone from bringing during inside.

Now on to the real reason I can't sleep. I don't know if this is even going to make sense or if I can articulate it properly, but it has to do with clarifiers that we put on our faith that aren't Biblical. Also, before I dive into what's going on in my head and start in on these theological flows of questions, I need to give some more credit to Liz on talking a lot of it out with me earlier today, meaning any wisdom that comes out is probably from her, not me.

 I have spent my entire Christian life with this attitude that I should believe His Word and trust God, but "be sensible." And now I find myself laying the foundations for my future life and ministry with huge gaps between what I know in my head to be true about God and what I believe in my heart that He will do. As I continue to learn about prayer, I am convicted about my unbelief - why devote myself to prayer and fasting if I don't actually believe that God will act.

At church on Sunday, the pastor told a story from the life of George Mueller - a man who relied solely on God to supply his needs through prayer. He never called on friends in support letters or wrote grant proposals - he just prayed for God to meet his specific needs according to His glorious riches in heaven. The pastor told about how George Mueller was on a boat en route to a speaking engagement, but severe, heavy fog was significantly slowing the journey. Fearing that he would not keep his commitment to arrive in time to speak, Mueller asked the ship's captain to join him in the hull to pray for the fog to part. The two knelt together and Mueller prayed that God would move the fog out of their way, and when he was finished and the captain began to pray. Mueller stopped him and told him that he should not pray that God would remove the fog from their way, because he did not actually believe that God would do it. The two came up from the ship's hull, and the fog was gone.

The child in me who read stories of missionaries shouts, "I want to be like him!" and just solely depend on God for my every need. But the logical person inside of me says that trust in God should be coupled with practicality and sensibility - yes trust God, but trust Him within the parameters through which I actually believe He will provide. I know that He is able to do all things, but I believe that He won't, that He doesn't, that things are different "now." This attitude doesn't sound sinful at first glance because we have gotten so comfortable with it in 21st century America - in fact, it's what most Christians advise each other to do and teach their children and proclaim in their Bible studies. But the more that I look at the Word of God, the more that I question that it has any Biblical basis at all. The men and women that are in the Bible consistently saw God visibly at work in their midst through answered prayer. The apostles walked in the authority of Christ which was bestowed upon all who call on His name for salvation - but I don't believe that He could ever use me to do something like He used His followers to do in "Bible times," even post-Pentecost.

Here is where the truth slaps me in the face: God remains unchanged. It's not that God doesn't still move mightily on the earth - I've heard the stories and seen the evidence! What a lie from the enemy that "God doesn't do that anymore." The difference between those stories and my life is me, not God - it's not happening where I walk, where I go, in my life. I am not walking forth with the authority of Christ in such a way that God is moving mountains. I'm not saying that I should be multiplying fishes and loaves and seeing the lame get up and walk, I am not an apostle. But there is nothing "risky" that I am praying for - nothing that, should God not demonstrate His mighty power, would utterly fail. I surround myself with safety nets fashioned with my own hands, and then pray prayers that fit safely inside my bubble. I add clarifiers to everything I say, and keep my expectations low enough that there's no real pressure on God to act, just incase I was wrong about Him or He decides not to for His own reasons.

Of course I do not see seemingly outrageous prayers answered - because they are offered up with insufficient faith! Why bother asking to see the hand of God move if "I really doubt it" and it's "highly unlikely"? One thing that I have become completely convinced of during my time here is that God chooses to fulfill His purposes on earth by working through people, not independently of them. No where on this earth does the Word of God go forth to accomplish anything that was not dispatched by a person, led by the Holy Spirit. God will not redeem a lost soul if that person is not first prayed for and/or witnessed to by a believer. So as I ride the BTS across Bangkok and see lost person after lost person hop on and off the train and I pray that they would be set free, do I really accomplish nothing by believing that most of them never will be? As I walk through the streets and count 10, 15, 20, 40 spirit houses, and I pray that they would come down, do I really accomplish nothing for the kingdom by believing that tomorrow I will pass the same spirit houses? Do I waste my breath by praying to see His kingdom on earth when I don't believe I ever will?

Do I misunderstand the sovereignty of God? I believe that God has ordained before the beginning of time everything that He will accomplish on earth until the end of time (Ephesians 2:10). The prayer is "YOUR will be done, YOUR kingdom come," so I obviously need to be praying for God to do His will. But will He do it regardless of my prayer? Yes, surely regardless of my prayer, but would He do it in the absence of prayer? And praying for "the will of God" in others lives almost seems like a cop out to me - prayer requests become irrelevant and you never actually pray about what is on the person's heart - it becomes a generic mantra to apply to any and every situation. The Scriptures also clearly communicate that we should pray specifically and present our requestS (not just one request) to God. How do I know what is God's specific will for me to pray for? Is it wrong to ask for things that I'm not sure are God's will? Obviously my prayers do not change God's will, but rather bring me into alignment with His will. But, for example, it is His will that "none should perish," so why, despite my petitioning, do those lost people continue to get off the train everyday as lost as they were when they boarded?

Paul was "given the authority of Christ" and "made a minister of the gospel" in order to "fill up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions" (Colossians 1) - what this communicates to me is that by proclaiming Jesus, His followers are intended to enforce the redeeming work that Christ accomplished on the cross, thus making the work complete by participating in spreading His grace to the people. There was nothing "lacking" in Christ's victory over sin and death through the cross and resurrection, but do I as His follower truly have a role in making that victory complete on earth? If so, what does that look like specifically, apart from the textbook "prayer, Bible reading and evangelism"? Am I seeking out more where nothing more ought be sought? Certainly not - certainly the Scriptures tell me that for all the seeking I could hope to do, there is more of God's character to blow my mind.

These are the vulnerable, candid wanderings of my mind...too limited, too finite to be wrapped around an unknowable God, the Incomparable Christ. I'm sure some of what I've written may verge on blasphemy - I pray that I cause no one to stumble, but rather encourage my family to desire to know Him more. I am so grateful that He has not treated me as my transgressions deserve and that I may even approach Him to know Him in the broken state in which I exist on this earth. I am not satisfied with "church answers" any longer, and I believe it honors God for us to seek to know Him deeply. I don't want this to be in my head anymore, I want it to be deep within me and to come out of me. And yet ultimately many of my questions may not have solid answers, and for this there is faith.

From where do I gain that increased measure of faith to pray for God to do big things? How do I bridge the gap between my heart and my head?

I've spent hours now thinking about it, and as much as I wish there was a formula, there just isn't one, but I've come up with two quasi-answers that I think will allow me to sleep.

1. Renew my mind with the Scriptures.
2. Just have the faith. Take the step in faith, and then my faith will grow.

I know that second one isn't really an answer, but it's all I got! I suppose another good answer would be "cease striving and know that I AM God."

Hope you at least laughed a little bit before you either got bored/confused/frustrated/gave up!

Also, it's now 4:30am.

Love from Thailand. :)

Real-ness

Today the rain held off for a little longer than usual, so I made it off "the Compound" (the BSC Campus) and over to Phrom Pong on the BTS, and then walked the 5 blocks from there to Antique Cafe, waltzed up to the front door, yanked and...it's closed. Back tracked a couple of blocks and found an open Au Bon Pain that graciously offers to let you pay to use their wifi, so I took them up on the offer and here I sit trying to update the world on my life.

So it’s been 50 days. Here are a few things that have changed about me since arriving in Thailand:

1. My pantomiming skills have gotten excellent. It's funny the things that language barriers do to you, but I can now get from point A to point B in a taxi merely by waving my arms around. I dare you to challenge me to a game of charades. I dare you.

2. I wish I could go back to my childhood and eat all the vegetables that I hid in my napkins and refused to consume. My diet consists of meat and carbs. And then I get sick of Thai meat and carbs, so I go eat some American meat and carbs. SOMEBODY POINT ME TOWARDS THE VEGGIES.

3. I’m getting more adventurous. When I first got here, I was a little nervous about crossing the street by myself, and making it all the way from where I live in the center of Bangkok to the outskirts where the Clarkson's live via BTS and taxi seemed like an impossible task. Other places I've lived it was as simple as buying a map and reading it...bing bang bongo I'm there. But here, a map of the entire city of Bangkok is extremely rare, and if you can find one that you can also read, it will actually have intentional mistakes in it. Thailand prides itself on having never been conquered and colonized by foreigners, and thus as a means of self-protection does not produce maps of their greatest city that are accurate.

I’m making a visa run to Myanmar this weekend. Yeah...you can pray about that if you feel so inclined. Everything I’ve read has said that it is the “easiest” and “cheapest” border run that one can do while residing in Thailand, it’s just that I don’t speak Thai, Northern Thai or Burmese, and this is a solo trip to somewhere I’ve never been before. It’s exciting though. Makes me feel like an INDEPENDENT WOMAN or something. The first leg will be nearly 5 hours on a bus to Mae Sai, Thailand’s most northerly town, and then a “songthaew” to the border, at which point I will go through Thai immigration, cross a bridge on foot, and enter Burma (Myanmar). After making it through Burmese immigration (during which I will have to haggle about how much they’re going to charge me to enter their country - apparently crisp US bills result in a discount), I will turn around and do the same thing in reverse. Or so I’ve read. It doesn’t sound too complicated, right? Farang (foreigners) do it all the time. Small price to pay (~$40) to spend another 60 days in Thailand legally. If skeptical, feel free to read here.

4. My quantitative idea of what classifies as being productive has shifted to a less task-oriented way of thinking. It's now a productive day if I manage to have a few meaningful conversations, read a good amount, and make a trip on public transit to cross one or two things off my to-do list, such as getting my eyebrows waxed or buying groceries. Writing curriculum is this looming thing hanging over my head and even though I spend several hours a day working on it, it's not this thing that I can just "check off my list." So all of that to say, I'm learning how to measure my effort by my attitude towards it - am I making it service? do I find joy in doing it? am I really doing my best at pushing forward?

5. I'm aware of how "real" all of this is. As God continues to stretch me and teach me about prayer, He is also making me more sensitive to things that I was previously unaware of. In my last blog post I expanded more on the religious climate of Thailand. This past week I experienced first hand the way that Buddhism affects the lives of the people here in Thailand.

Last Friday, I went to visit Wat Pho here in Bangkok. When the Spotswood team was here, they visited the Grand Palace, Bangkok's most famous Wat and former residence of the king, as a group, but I was unable to go with them, so I had been wanting to see more of the ornate temples and statues that are the iconic image of Thailand. I honestly didn't think much of going to a temple - I saw it as a tourist attraction, the same way all of the other Westerners at Wat Pho that day thought of it. I wasn't prayerful before I went, while I was there, or after I left. I snapped pictures of the rows upon rows of golden Buddha statues. I paused to take in the ornate spires that came to a point up in the heavy gray clouds that would later dump flash floods on the center of Bangkok.

Before visiting Wat Pho and while I was there, I was saddened to see Thais praying and making offerings to Buddha statues and spirit houses, thinking, "What wasted effort," - to pray to no one, make offerings to nothing. But after I left Wat Pho and throughout the next several days, I felt a heaviness hanging over me. I started struggling with doubts; past areas of sin in my life seemed to rear their ugly heads. I noticed feeling intimidated about talking to people about Jesus, and I was fearful of going places on my own. I didn't make any connection with having been in a temple until Tuesday night, the night before I go to an early morning Bible study at the church I attend. I was alone in my room and just became overwhelmed with a sense of darkness - I was afraid, the way I remember being afraid of a bad dream as a child. I tried to press down the feeling, telling myself that I was too old to be afraid of the dark, and that I should roll over and go to sleep. Images statues that I had seen of dragon-like animals at Wat Pho started entering my mind, and fortunately I realized what I should do - pray.

I started praying out loud to the God who is Mighty to save, powerful to move mountains, never-ending in mercy, always successful in battle, and unrelenting in pouring out His grace on me. After a time I started to feel a bit better, but I still asked Liz if she would come and pray with me! She was sweet enough to get out of bed and come be with me, and we ended up having a great conversation that led me to better understand some of what had been going on. She had had a similar perspective on Wats and spirit houses when she arrived in Bangkok, but talking with someone in her Bible study helped her to realize something that I began to realize as well while we talked.

For those of you who don't know what a Wat is - it's a Buddhist temple, often very ornate, covered in elaborate patterns in bright colors and gold leaf. A spirit house, likewise, is a "mini-temple" of sorts. When Thai people break ground for a building, they believe that it displaces the spirits that are part of the land there. So, to appease these displaced spirits, they build a small, elaborate house on the property for the spirits to live in, and daily offer food and drink at the spirit house.

I realized in that moment it hadn't just been an "off week" - there had been a marked difference in my spirit since I had been at the temple. I by no means desire to draw attention to the enemy, but for some reason I never realized it until the other night - I willingly opened myself up to the powers that rule over those temples. There is God, and those who belong to Him, and then there is everyone else, who are under the authority of the ruler of the earth.

There is no middle ground - there are those people and places that are for God's glory, and then there is everything and everyone who are against Him.

Liz told me about a Thai woman in her Bible study who is a new Christian, and who has had some challenging spiritual experiences since coming to the faith. She had described experiences that she had had around the time of her salvation, and there after, that Liz and I had previously viewed as just really strange stories. As I mentioned in my last blog, this land has been given over to idol worship for thousands of years, and there are real demonic strongholds here. The Thai form of Buddhism is very wrapped up in animism and ancestral worship, and rituals take place daily that invite "spirits" into their bodies, their temples, and their spirit houses. I finally realized - these prayers and offerings are not being given to no one and nothing, but to a very real presence, and it is a presence that strongly opposes the work of my Lord.

It is for this reason that prayer has become increasingly important. Every spirit house, every Wat - of which there are so, so very many - is a reminder that although Christ defeated the enemy on the cross, that victory has not yet been applied to everything and everyone, as it will be at the time of his second coming.

It is my role, as an ambassador for Him, to be a distributor of that victory for which He gave His life. 

Every interaction I have with someone in which Jesus is represented, every prayer that is offered up, is pushing back against the evil one's forces through the power of my Savior. Hell has no power when confronted with the power of the King. 

It is for this reason, also, that your prayers are so important. First, for your own spiritual protection. As American Christians, we seem to have a different perception of spiritual warfare - we discount it's importance, fierceness and sometimes even its reality. While Satan cannot touch those whom the Holy Spirit has sealed and cannot cause us to lose our salvation, he can tempt us and intimidate us in an attempt to draw us away from the Lord. He has been successful to do so in my life again and again and it is for one reason - I was not praying. This is not to say that prayer will prevent you from sinning ever again in your life, but it will certainly open up your eyes to the things unseen, connect you to the heart of the Father so that you can discern the difference between His voice and the voices of others, and cause your desires to become like His desires. These are all things that Scripture tells us. We also have access to armor, and below is a prayer that was written by the leader of the class I'm taking on prayer - feel free to skip it and come back to it later.

Father, today I acknowledge that every battle in my life is not mine, but belongs to You. For I know that my real struggle is not against what I can see with my eyes, but with what is unseen - the powers of this dark world, the devil - who waits for an opportune moment to steal, kill and destroy Your work in my life, to ensnare me. 

Father forgive me, for I have not been self-controlled and alert. I've allowed myself to be lulled into complacency by the noise and distractions of the world. I have not resisted the enemy, most of the time at best, I pretend he does not exist. But Your Word admonishes me to stand firm in my faith, that if I do not, I will not stand at all. Lord, teach me to stand. Today, as You have instructed me, I choose to put on Your full armor so that I might stand against the devil's schemes and stand my ground when the day of evil comes upon me - that I might be strong in You and Your mighty power! 

I choose to "put on" Jesus! I stand firm then with the belt of truth buckled securely around my waist. Jesus, You are the way the truth and the life...I turn from all false teaching and philosophies of this world and I put on Jesus, the Truth. 

I put on the breastplate of righteousness - Jesus, there was no sin found in You, yet You took my sin on Yourself so that I might become the righteousness of God! This day, I turn from all sin that entangles me and holds me back, and I put on Jesus' righteousness. I choose today to fit my feet with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Lord Jesus, You are my peace, for you have destroyed the barrier that was between me and God the Father! Make me ready to give the reason for the hope that I have, for I long to share with others that You Lord Jesus are my peace! 

I take up this day the shield of faith so that I might be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows, the attacks of the evil one. The life I live in this mortal body, I live by faith in You, the Son of God, who loved me and who gave Yourself for me. May my faith in You increase as I hear Your Word and put it into practice - for You Lord Jesus are the author and perfecter of my faith. 

I put on the helmet of salvation and declare that salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven by which I can be saved from my sin! You Lord Jesus are the Christ the Son of the Living God! Jesus, You are my salvation! I take up this day, the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, and I proclaim Lord Jesus that You are the Word made flesh, and You will accomplish all that You intend! Hallelujah! 

Father I choose this day to clothe myself with Christ, to be alert and ready to pray - to pray in the Spirit no matter the occasion or situation that I am in, with all kinds of prayers and requests. May I become one who is increasingly faithful in prayer. In all of these things, I put on Christ Jesus - and I take my stand! May Your power that is at work in me this day, be mighty. I ask all these things in the Name of Jesus, who gave Himself for me that I might truly live. Amen.

Secondly, for the spiritual protection of your brothers and sisters. The Scriptures also tell us (in 1 Kings and Daniel), that the Lord dispatches angels at His followers' request. Go to battle on behalf of others, and ask God to send angels to battle the oppression of the evil one. I say this partially out of selfish motives - if I could convey exactly what happened last week or felt that I should, I would convince you how much I really need your prayers! There is real oppression here, and it's unlike anything I've ever been exposed to. Please pray that I would stand, that I would not be intimidated, and that I would walk in the confidence of the One who saved me from darkness.

Third, pray for Thailand. This video is a great way to pray through the different issues, and has images that will help you to understand what Thai Buddhism is all about.

Praying for Southeast Asian Buddhists. from SEASIAN PEOPLES on Vimeo.

In coming to Thailand I hoped that I would learn things and grow as a person - I really believe that removing ourselves from our comfort zones enables us to hear from the Lord more clearly, and we are less attached to temporal things, and thus are more ready to be obedient. I hoped and prayed that being here would allow me to hear answers about my future, and would prepare me for seminary and my future in ministry. All of those things are happening, but in ways that I did not at all expect. I love the way that God knows what we need - that He is so different from us - lofty and holy and distant, and yet a Father who is so intimately connected to us and aware of the tiniest details of our lives.

Who am I that He is mindful of me? I am not my own.

Call me "Nong LaLa"

Two weeks of teaching English down, and I'm starting to feel like I'm not just "playing school" when I walk into the classroom. Some of you have asked what daily life looks like here/what I'm up to generally, so let me take this opportunity to share!

I live in a room with just about everything I need - mini fridge, toaster oven, desk, bed, bathroom - in the BSC guesthouse, which is a building directly behind the 5-story BSC office/classroom building. So my commute to work takes about a minute and a half - from the door of my bedroom to my desk in the staff office. I have a cozy little desk there that I tried to make feel more like home with some pictures of family and a little paper elephant that Claire cut out for me in a nice pale pea-soup shade. However, I find it very difficult to accomplish things in this office, because I work with wonderful, sweet people who highly value relationships, AKA we are all far too chatty in there. It is from my wonderful officemates that I received the nickname "Nong LaLa." "Pe" is the Thai fixture placed before someone's name in order to call them "older sister," and "Nong" is the alternative term of endearment for someone who is younger than you. Given that I am the youngest person working in the office, and Rs can be difficult for Thai speakers to say, a nickname was born. Today I decided I wasn't up to the usual cross-town trek to "my spot," because I'm meeting up with some friends later this evening (I'll get back to that later!), so I'm working on MiniCourse (I'll touch on that later, too), from my "home office."

I teach English to "young professionals" - in reality my students range in age from 19-53 & all have different reasons for taking English classes - on Monday and Wednesday nights here at the BSC. The BSC provides curriculum that outlines the specific learning objectives for the different classes, and I merely do my best to make the classes engaging and a little entertaining. One of my classes thinks I'm hilarious, and the other seems to think I'm just plain ridiculous. Either way, at the very least they are learning how to use the vast number of idioms that I was previously unaware make up such a substantial part of my day-to-day vocabulary.

On Wednesday mornings I go the Women's Ministry called Oasis at the church where I am attending while living in Bangkok - from 9am to noon I get to spend time soaking up good teaching and encouragement from women that are a little bit ahead of me in life. God is really using this time to teach me about setting prayer as the foundation for my adult life and ministry. I previously mentioned that prayer has been a theme which God has focused in on in my life since I arrived in Thailand; He is opening my eyes up to what prayer truly is to Him, as opposed to the comfortable conversations we have with Him on occasion about what is going on in our lives and what we would like to happen next.  I'm learning how to make prayer laborious...to see it as the only means through which I can open myself up for God to be at work in my heart and my life...to be devoted to not just lift up a request, but to return again and again to petition God and to have faith in His sovereignty. The more I learn, the more that I am convinced that prayer is the most challenging of the spiritual disciplines, and my daily prayer is that the Lord would just "teach me how to pray."

Right now, Tuesdays and Thursdays are my "free days," in the sense that I'm "free" to prepare some of the bigger projects that I'm working on while I'm here. MiniCourse is a program that the BSC runs during the "winter" break (we all know it does not feel like winter or anything close) from school here in Thailand. It runs for 3 weeks - from October 8th-26th, and is open to all students in 1st through 9th grade. I will be teaching 9am to 3pm (or so) everyday during those 3 weeks, so I have a lot of material and many an engaging activity to get ready. I'm intimidated by facing such a vast range of ages and English-proficiency levels, but my main goals are to present Jesus, and for the kids to have fun. If any of you with more experience than I have any suggestions for activities that work well - I'M OPEN. :)

On Friday, the BSC runs a program here called "Friday Night Life," which is when anyone can come and participate in a free English class, play a game, sing a song, and hear about Jesus. It was designed and is run by a missionary who used to work at the BSC, and every week there are between 40-60 people that come. Last week I led everyone in a game that went surprisingly well, and I was impressed by the Thai people's familiarity with Lady GaGa, Donald Duck and Facebook. It's a great opportunity for us to meet Thai people and invite them to become involved in other things that are going on at the BSC.

On Saturdays & Sundays, I spend time with the Clarkson's - a Spotswood family who moved to Thailand about 4 years ago. My goal when I came was to try to spend time with them and encourage them while I'm here, but it's really been more of them taking care of me and buying me food. Isn't it funny how that happens? I love it. They have so quickly become so precious to me, and it is going to be so hard to leave them when I come back home. I wanted to encourage my extended church family and just be a piece of home for them, and they have welcomed me into their American home and made me Mexican food and quite frankly I feel like part of the family. Pray for them. It is hard to be an ex-patriate - living for an unknown amount of time far from everything comfortable, friends and family members - they handle it with such grace, but I'm sure it never really feels like home.

Another benefit I reaped from being friends with the Clarkson's was that I got to have high tea at the Oriental Hotel here in Bangkok last week! Molly recently had a birthday, and her sweet church friends here invited her to go to tea to celebrate - and Molly invited ME! It was beautiful...gorgeous tropical flowers everywhere, little fancy sandwiches, mini-creme brûlée, warm scones with rose petal jam! We got dressed up and took a boat over to what was at one time the best hotel in Southeast Asia, and we found our way through the garden to to step back into the 1930s - I wish I had had silk gloves and a sun hat! Here are some pictures...

As I sat around the table with Molly and her friends, I thought back over the process that brought me to Thailand, and what I thought I was walking into. I turned to one of Molly's friends and said, 

"It's so unbelievable to me that I signed up to come to the other side of the world to serve on the mission field, and here I am having tea in a fancy hotel with a bunch of wonderful and encouraging fellow Americans."

"That's the way God works, sweetie. He knows exactly what we need and when to give it to us. When we are obedient, He rewards us. It's not always physical like a beautiful afternoon like this, but He is faithful to encourage our hearts when we are faithful."

How true was her response! I cannot think of one time in my life where God has not abundantly blessed me when I was found to be in the center of His will, by His grace. Time and time again He has given me relationships that encouraged my heart in what could have been the emptiest and loneliest times for me. It begs the question of why I struggle so much to be faithful, when He asks so little of me, small, simple, sinful man...but that's another blog entry! The short of it is that I am grateful that I serve a faithful God, and that He gives me glimpses of the place for which I yearn, where there will be no more tears, no more strife and no more suffering.

While I'm on the topic - just 2 more quick blessings I have to share!

The first is another friend, or friends rather, that God has given me here in BKK! I could list them all and explain how great they are, but I'll just pick one since this entry has already gotten to be longer than I intended for it to be. Her name is Carter, and we met through the Clarkson's. Of course. She is an MK who grew up here in Thailand, recently graduated from U of Richmond, and is now back in BKK working for a fantastic organization called Urban Neighbors of Hope. Her parents have served here in Thailand for the last 28 years, and they seem to know everyone who works or serves here and in the entire surrounding region. Carter and I have become fast friends, and God has already used her to affirm some of the specific revelations He is giving me about His calling over my life. She has shown me around and introduced me to "my spot," and she has encouraged my heart. I praise God for so readily giving me what I need, when I need it - a beautiful new friendship. And I can't help but believe it's not a coincidence that I have met her family - they have already expressed how happy they'd be to help in getting me connected to the right people should I end up back in Bangkok, and they have encouraged me through sharing some of their experiences from a life on the mission field.

Ok, and one quick last story.

The other day on my way to meet Carter, I got off the BTS (the metro in the sky, as I like to call it), and hopped into the first open taxi I saw. I gave the man my destination, he shifted his car into gear, and we slipped into hectic Bangkok traffic. As he sat back in his seat and shifted from 3rd to 4th, he reached to turn up his radio. I looked out the window and took in the sights of yet another Bangkok street that I had never seen before and will probably never see again, and tuned out. After another minute, I caught myself humming along with a familiar tune, and caught a couple of words that I recognized from church services in Thai - "Pra'jow, Pra'Om" - "Are you a Christian?!" I blurted out in excitement! The taxi driver, shocked, turned and squinted at me. I repeated my question more slowly and calmly, as I looked around his taxi and realized that it wasn't sprinkled with all of the Buddhist idols and symbols that normally litter the dashboard, ceiling and windows of taxis in Bangkok. A smile came across his face. "Christian...Christian," he said as he point to his chest. "Me too!" I said in excitement. I tried to ask him a few more questions in English, but we quickly exhausted both his English and my Thai, and all I gained was that he recently came to the faith. The rest of the ride was normal - I sat looking out the window, and he shifted and braked with the flow of traffic, until we arrived at my destination. "Ok, here it is," he said, "50 baht." "Here you go - God bless you," was my response.

"In the name of Jesus, go in peace," was the last thing he said to me as I climbed out of the taxi.

I snapped a photo with my phone of his taxi ID - Mr. Tanoo - if you'd like to add him to your list of people to pray for.

Thailand is so deeply Buddhist, and less than 1% of the population is Christian - but the church is here, it is alive, it is growing...the message is spreading. One of the wise women in my Bible study pointed out that Thailand has been given over to idol worship and demonic forces for centuries upon centuries - a concept that is difficult for an American to understand being from such a young country - and thus the bonds of spiritual entrapment run ever more deeply. Please pray for Thailand.

My Spot & Home of New Beginnings

Blogging is happening today because I found it. My spot. Unfortunately it's a half hour trip on public transit and then a 10 minute walk from where I live, but it's my spot. In Harrisonburg I had a spot. The corner booth of Earth and Tea Cafe. I always did my best work there. In Fredericksburg it was the window table at Hyperion Coffee Shop downtown. In Spain, an adorable cafe called Ito's. In Argentina, the Starbucks in the Abasto mall. In Italy, the courtyard of the University where I took classes. And in Thailand...Antique Cafe, 3/7 Soi Sawadee 1, Sukhumvit 31, Bangkok.

It's tucked just far enough away from the busy streets that I can forget I'm in the 2nd biggest city in Southeast Asia. It's got soft jazz covers of mainstream music, great iced lattes, delicious cupcakes, inviting taupe couches with an assortment of pastel pillows, interesting art work created by the students who work here, and a tree built into the wall that reaches branches sprinkled with paper umbrellas out across the low ceiling. There is an arm chair on the right-hand side of the cafe, about halfway between the glass door entrance and the cash register where the aforementioned delicious cupcakes are on display in their refrigerated incandescent case, and my butt is planted in it.

The best part about this cafe, though, is that it's not just a cafe. It's actually "socially responsible" and an outreach program for the at-risk youth of Bangkok. How awesome is that? My friend Carter introduced me to it - it's a part of the non-profit foundation DtonNamm (pronounced "done naum") Ministries and it offers job training, counseling and education to young men who desire to leave the sex industry here in Bangkok. There are several non-profit foundations in the Bangkok area that are geared towards reaching out to women in the sex industry, but DtonNamm saw a need for one that focused on reaching out to the many male and "ladyboy" prostitutes in the city. For more information about what they do, click here.

Ok - on to what I was planning to share in this blog entry!

When the team from America was here, we visited a different ministry pretty much everyday. Each time I tried to really internalize my experience there so that I could transmit it to you at home, and I also collected as much information as I could about how you would be able to get involved if you felt led to do so.

One of the places that resonated most closely to my heart is called "Home of New Beginnings" - it is quite literally what it's name describes. It is a ministry that welcomes in women who are in need of a fresh start and new opportunities, allowing them to leave a life of prostitution behind and enter a family environment where they will receive the love and care necessary for them to heal. It started in the heart of a woman named Bonita, who is literally one of the sweetest old ladies I've ever met. She lived the better part of her life in California as an elementary school teacher, and when she and her husband reached retirement, they felt led to make a move to Bangkok to do mission work with the rest of their lives. Her husband already had plans of how he would be involved in ministry before they came to Bangkok, but she was unsure exactly how God would use her here. She shared with us her beautiful story of God stripping away everything she had previously found her confidence in and bringing her to the point of truly having nothing to offer to the people of Thailand apart from her very heart - and it was her heart that was moved by the young women that she saw going to work on the streets and in the bars every evening in Bangkok.

Bonita spent a couple of hours with us sharing her story, explaining how the ministry works and educating us on the sex industry here in Thailand. I thought that I sort of understood how and why things operate the way they do here, but Bonita made me realize how much more deeply complicated the issues are than I ever imagined. Most women who work in the industry in Bangkok are actually from the poverty-stricken eastern part of Thailand called Isaan, which is home to primarily rice farming families. The main contributing factors to why so many women end up in the industry are poverty, lack of education, gender inequality, domestic violence and "materialism." Materialism is in quotes because it is not "materialism" in the traditional sense - yes, money is the most important thing to most Thai people, but not because they desire to accrue wealth - it is because they need basic things to survive that they cannot afford. Bonita explained that in Thai-Buddhist culture, it is often the responsibility of the youngest daughter to support the parents, and that all Thai children will give a portion of their income to their parents throughout their entire lives. So what often happens in the poor farming villages of Isaan is that the parents will do back-breaking work in the rice fields until their bodies are bent over and unable to continue working, and then it falls to the youngest children still living at home to find work to support their parents.

There are many routes through which a young woman can find herself working in a bar in Bangkok - and when I say "working in a bar" it is the less crude way of saying prostitution, just to be clear. Whether the pressure comes from her parents, her husband, brother, or her own hungry children, many women leave for Bangkok knowing primarily that there is more economic opportunity in a city, hoping to work in a restaurant or factory. Upon arriving here, the woman may be unable to find work at all, or she may find work for meager pay that does not generate enough to pay her own bills here in Bangkok, let alone to send home to those she came to the city to work for. Then she will hear from a friend of a friend of a friend that knows a guy who will pay her more...and it all escalates from there. After she starts making enough money to support her family back home, which is far more than she could ever make at another job because of the aforementioned contributing factors - lack of education, gender inequality, her past of poverty and violence - she is deeply convinced of the necessity of forcing herself to continue in the "work" she has found.

Other times a family will have a gambling or drinking debt to a money lender in their village, and a bar owner will go into a village and buy that debt from the lender, and then it falls to the daughter to work off the debt now owed to the bar owner. In this situation, the woman may know exactly where she is headed, but has no way to say "no," or convinces herself that she will only have to work a very short time until the debt is paid. However, once in Bangkok, the bar owner will multiply the debt based on simple things the girl does - she needed new "work" clothes, she didn't get the customers to buy enough drinks, she broke a glass, she gets sick and misses 2 nights of work - until the debt becomes never-ending and the bar owner essentially owns the girl.

The stories are all heart-breaking and while they do not make prostitution "ok," they do help you to understand why the issue is more complicated than just a woman choosing to prostitute herself, or even than a woman being trafficked into the industry. The incidence of trafficking in Thailand is higher than some areas of the world, but it is not visible, and it is primarily of women from Laos, Cambodia, Myanmar and Vietnam being brought into the country to "work" under the same pretenses that women from Isaan come to Bangkok. There are other organizations that work primarily to bring light to trafficking situations, but it is far more dangerous and covert than the very visible prostitution and ministries that provide a way out that are all over Bangkok. Also, the visible sex industry in Bangkok between the distinct red light districts makes up only 15% of the industry in Thailand - the rest is all very quiet and exists to serve Thai men, as opposed to the customers of foreign, developed countries who come to Bangkok to party. This is getting confusing, isn't it?

The bars that line the streets of the red light districts are loud and shocking, and all of them are geared towards drawing in the male "sex tourists" between the ages of 16/17 up to 65+ that come primarily from Western countries, as well as India and Japan, with the soul intention of buying the commodity sold in the bars - women. The UN estimates that 60% of the foot traffic that comes through the airport in Bangkok is men who are here for sex tourism. This is a modest estimation, and considering that this is the 2nd largest city in Southeast Asia, that translates to a very large number of customers headed to the red light districts. Prostitution is not technically legal here, but it supports nearly all industry in Thailand and therefore the government turns a blind eye. As Bonita put it - "It's about economics, it's not about love."

So where does Home of New Beginnings come into all of this? Bonita and her team do outreach by building relationships with the women who work in 2 of the red light districts - Nana and Soi Cowboy. Between these two areas alone there are around 20,000 sex workers, and each one of them has a painful past and severe issues with trust. Bonita and her team go to some of the bars early in the evening and just talk with the girls - a woman in this industry will need to see the same person over and over again, consistently expressing care and concern for them, before they would every be able to trust enough in that person to leave their job and go to HoNB. Sometimes Bonita encounters young women who are anxious for the first opportunity to leave, and will come to HoNB as soon as they see the heart of the women who work there who desire to help, and others will build relationships for months and years, but never be able to see the benefit of leaving over continuing to make enough money to support their families back home. Sometimes a girl will experience a reality check about the industry that will scare her into leaving, such as a woman who ended up at HoNB after being gang raped and made her way there knowing it would be a safe place.

Once a woman has left and gone to HoNB, she receives an allowance of $1000 baht/week (about $30), which is far less than she would have made in the bar, and most of which she will send home to her family. They have a safe place to live, and they learn to bake, sew, craft and take English classes. Many of the girls who come to HoNB have as little as a 6th grade education, and so they are put into classes or GED programs to finish their high school education. Some go on to college, such as one girl who just graduated at the top of her class in chemical engineering, and another who is about to finish fashion school and launch her own handbag line! Ultimately the goal of HoNB is first to help them begin to heal their hearts, but also to give them choices for the first time in their lives - if they have a way to support themselves, an education, then they will be able to leave HoNB and continue to work and send money home without earning their money on their backs.

Right now, Home of New Beginnings is home to around 15 young women, and as I'm sure you could have guessed, their biggest need is funding. Home of New Beginnings is currently at capacity because they can only take as many girls in as they have funds to support. They take on all of the girls living expenses, education expenses, pay the girls their allowance (without which girls would be unable to leave the bars), and then have the everyday expenses of running their foundation and paying their two Thai employees. Most girls need only about $150-$250 in American dollars per month in order for their schooling and other expenses to be covered - it is so much less than the cost of living in America. If you feel led to contribute to the Home of New Beginnings ministry, donations in the US can be sent to:


International Foundation
Beginnings Acct. #125.004
P O Box 23813
Washington, D.C.
20026-23813

Home of New Beginnings also asks that you pray for their ministry - pray for healing from past struggles and addictions for the girls, for their hearts as they are integrated into a new environment. Pray for Bonita and the Thai women who work for the ministry as well - that their hearts are fortified against the harsh environment in which they work, and that they would be encouraged by the grace the God has shed on their own lives. For more information on Home of New Beginnings, check out there website by clicking here.

Wow - that was a long blog post! I'm going to reward myself with a delicious cupcake. :) Love from Thailand.

Photos

I posted my pictures of Thailand so far on facebook - click the link below to see the album!

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151019610676711.413037.579931710&type=1

I will be cranking out some longer posts this afternoon!

The End of the Beginning

So the beginning of my time in Thailand with the mission team here is now over. I wonder if I were this conscious of everything I say and do and experience when I were at home I would end up this full of things to share at the end of just one week.

Spending my first week here in Bangkok with a team from home was so wonderful - we have had the opportunity to participate in so many different things that are going on here in Thailand and I feel like now I have a pretty good scope of what God is doing in this city. Never have I been in a place that so starkly demonstrates the contrast between darkness and light. There are so many things that even after time to sit and process I do not have the words to describe, but my heart is full so I will try.

When I've had a few moments of spare time this week (which have been infrequent and short), I have been scribbling down little bits of things I'm learning. I think it might be best if for now I share some of those things, and then follow up this week with a post about each ministry we had the chance to participate in while the team was here. It's all just too much for one post.


Through studying Psalm 119 in preparation for doing ministry, I have learned to be grateful for my afflictions and failures, because it makes me that much more grateful for my salvation and helps me to understand grace. This concept comes from verse 71.

I believe that God allows us to fail and struggle with sin to the extent that we need to understand grace. As I continue to struggle with pride or an attitude that I can prove to God my worth as His follower, God will continue to show me how weak I am while I am still living life in the flesh here on earth. If I gain confidence in my ability apart from living completely intertwined from the Lord to live righteously, then God will allow me to wrestle with the sin of my own fleshly desires in order to teach me my need for Him. This means that when I recognize my weakness and learn what God teaches me about my pride, I can move from shame over my sin, to accepting the forgiveness and positional righteousness of Jesus, and then grow to be grateful for my afflictions. As I am broken-hearted over the hurt I have caused my Savior, I become overwhelmed by God’s love for me and plan for my life, and I am dedicated all the more to serving Him regardless of the perceived cost to my life. As I recognize what God has rescued me from, I am all the more grateful for the gift of salvation. When I realize how much mercy God has shown me, the more I am able to trust God for my future and dedicate myself entirely to showing Him how grateful I am for Him saving me from myself. The deeper, darker and more shameful my history of sin, the deeper, brighter and beautiful my heart of thanksgiving becomes as a result of God at work in me.

Doing ministry in a situation like this is never straight forward, and it is so easy on a day to day basis to lose sight of exactly WHO it is that I'm serving and to begin to focus on WHAT I'm doing. Only the proper perspective on my brokenness and God's holiness will allow me to stay grounded in the "good work He has called me to," and the only way to maintain this is a commitment to be in God's Word and prayer daily.

Through studying Colossians 4 I have learned amazing things about what my prayer life should look like - those who were a part of the Spotswood team heard me ramble on and on about it already, so if you're one of those, skip this paragraph. :) Prayer should be the beginning, middle and end of everything I do. It involves all three persons of the Trinity - God as Jehovah Jireh, provider, Jesus as Mediator, and Holy Spirit as intercessor - and thus is the best means of keeping up familiarity with God and growing to look more like Him. Prayer should never be entered into carelessly, but rather should be looked at as a labor of the faith - hard work that produces fruit. God often withholds something He intends to do in our lives as a means to teach us to continually return to Him, again and again, even with the same request - because prayer is not a means of petitioning God for what we want, but rather a means through which He transforms our hearts towards Him. Even a prayer to which the answer of "No" is given is not a waste - because we have spent time with a Mighty God and it is He who deserves our attention - not our circumstances which we present to Him. Speaking of attention, I learned about the Jewish definition of prayer - it has to do with the attention and the intention of the heart. When we pray, God is aware both of where the attention of our minds lies, as well as the intention of the heart in approaching Him. Without correct attention and intention, prayer does not take place. I could go on, but I'm pretty sure most/all of this is for me anyways.

God has also taught me about independence versus interdependence in the Christian walk of faith. I am not called to be OK all by myself. God does not call me to strive for independence. He gives us the gift of interdependence because He uses other believers to demonstrate to us His heart towards us and His character. GOD said it’s not good for us to be alone - but our culture values a person who is “strong enough” not to need to rely on others. The more independent I think I am, the more that I affected and swayed by the people around me. The more I surround myself with other believers, the more that I will grow in wisdom and my relationship with God, the stronger I become in the face of opposition and the more capable I am of remaining faithful when I am the “only one.” Obviously I am never truly alone - I have the Holy Spirit - but history has proven that every time I walk into an environment that is not primarily “Christian,” I fail to maintain a Biblical attitude and perspective, causing me to sin. I have always become spiritually discouraged and failed to maintain a Biblical perspective because I allow myself to become discouraged my loneliness. The only remedy when I am unable to find community is to spend as much time as possible alone with Jesus, which I have not always been faithful to do - but it is not wrong to need other believers when it is possible to seek them out. Independence should not be a source of pride - recognizing a need for others is submitting to the structure that God created and intends for His glory.

All right. There's my topical processing from the past week. I need to dedicate 1 post per ministry we participated in last week in order to really get down all the info, and I'm really excited about it because there are a lot of things that YOU can do to get involved with what is going on here!

Also - look at this sweet post that Claire put up for me!

http://claireinbangkok.blogspot.com/2012/08/welcome-laura-landry.html

You'll hear from me again soon! With more details next time, I promise!