When it's 2:30am and I can't sleep, it's usually because I'm thinking about all the things that don't make sense to me. I'm one of those people that can't turn my brain off when I'm trying to understand something, no matter how tired I am. Thailand is absolutely full of things that don't make sense to me. Which, given the aforementioned need-to-understand-my-world is not conducive to halting the internal processing train. So, yes, it's the middle of the night and I'm flying to Chiang Mai tomorrow...and I'm blogging.
Let's start with rice, beans and corn for dessert. In America, we love a good ole side dish of starch with our dinner. Being from an authentic Cajun family, I love rice with my gumbo, jambalaya, étoufée and my red beans. We top our rice with gravy and our beans with sauce and usually some salt.
Not sugar.
In Thailand, rice is eaten frequently at every meal of the day - breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert. Sticky rice, in particular, can be formed into any shape, boiled in banana leaves to give it a gummy texture, then sprinkled with sugar and makes a tasty on-the-go snack. This I can almost understand...I mean "rice pudding" sort of makes sense to me as a dessert (sort of), and rice isn't eaten exclusively with sugar. But beans and corn?? These are considered foods exclusively to be consumed as sweet treats. You can buy either one from a street vendor mixed with milk and sugar and served warm with a spoon. They also show up in pies, the bottom of smoothies, ice cream sundaes....Starbucks even has a green tea frappuccino with red beans in it. No, I have not tried it. McDonalds and Dairy Queen ice cream shops offer all your favorite dessert toppings - tuna, corn, pineapple, black beans, red beans - but don't have apple or strawberry. WHY. I wonder if it is conversely as disgusting to them to imagine us eating our corn and beans sprinkled with salt.
Moving on to a slightly more serious topic...culture shock. Supposedly it's culture shock in me to see everything in this country as being inefficient, so I'm intentionally going to say that it is just so very different, as opposed to inefficient. First of all, I should say that of all the Asian countries that God could have sent me to, and considering that all the ones immediately surrounding me are neck-high in corruption, unrest and/or political upheaval, I'm very grateful that I live in Thailand. The Thai people are friendly, meek and gracious, and it's a free country like the one I come from. But the general philosophy about life here is basically "put a band-aid on it" and I DON'T GET IT.
Oh the 30 year old air conditioner is leaking? Put a band-aid on it. (Just replace it.)
Oh the door knob broke? Put a band-aid on it. (Get a new one.)
Oh your car broke down? Put a band-aid on it. (CALL A TAXI!)
There is a common expression in Thailand that means "don't worry about it" or "no problem" - mai pen rai (my pen rye). It is used (over-used?) in any and every situation. Oh you brought your durian into the office and the whole thing now smells like a public bathroom? Mai pen rai. Oh you forgot your wallet again and have no money to contribute to dinner? Mai pen rai. Oh you didn't make that really important phone call for me yesterday? Mai pen rai. If a Thai person is genuinely peeved about something, they won't say so - they say just the opposite. Now here's where I get confused. "Mai" means "no" (essentially), making the statement "no" worries/problem - but removing "no" from the statement does not make it a positive statement. "Pen rai" is not a phrase.
There is literally no linguistic way in the Thai language to communicate that there IS, in fact, a problem or worry.
Oh I just realized I didn't explain what durian is. Ok so durian is this famous Thai fruit that smells like a mixture of onions and fermenting urine. IT'S DISGUSTING. Many establishments post signs on the doors forbidding anyone from bringing during inside.
Now on to the real reason I can't sleep. I don't know if this is even going to make sense or if I can articulate it properly, but it has to do with clarifiers that we put on our faith that aren't Biblical. Also, before I dive into what's going on in my head and start in on these theological flows of questions, I need to give some more credit to Liz on talking a lot of it out with me earlier today, meaning any wisdom that comes out is probably from her, not me.
I have spent my entire Christian life with this attitude that I should believe His Word and trust God, but "be sensible." And now I find myself laying the foundations for my future life and ministry with huge gaps between what I know in my head to be true about God and what I believe in my heart that He will do. As I continue to learn about prayer, I am convicted about my unbelief - why devote myself to prayer and fasting if I don't actually believe that God will act.
At church on Sunday, the pastor told a story from the life of George Mueller - a man who relied solely on God to supply his needs through prayer. He never called on friends in support letters or wrote grant proposals - he just prayed for God to meet his specific needs according to His glorious riches in heaven. The pastor told about how George Mueller was on a boat en route to a speaking engagement, but severe, heavy fog was significantly slowing the journey. Fearing that he would not keep his commitment to arrive in time to speak, Mueller asked the ship's captain to join him in the hull to pray for the fog to part. The two knelt together and Mueller prayed that God would move the fog out of their way, and when he was finished and the captain began to pray. Mueller stopped him and told him that he should not pray that God would remove the fog from their way, because he did not actually believe that God would do it. The two came up from the ship's hull, and the fog was gone.
The child in me who read stories of missionaries shouts, "I want to be like him!" and just solely depend on God for my every need. But the logical person inside of me says that trust in God should be coupled with practicality and sensibility - yes trust God, but trust Him within the parameters through which I actually believe He will provide. I know that He is able to do all things, but I believe that He won't, that He doesn't, that things are different "now." This attitude doesn't sound sinful at first glance because we have gotten so comfortable with it in 21st century America - in fact, it's what most Christians advise each other to do and teach their children and proclaim in their Bible studies. But the more that I look at the Word of God, the more that I question that it has any Biblical basis at all. The men and women that are in the Bible consistently saw God visibly at work in their midst through answered prayer. The apostles walked in the authority of Christ which was bestowed upon all who call on His name for salvation - but I don't believe that He could ever use me to do something like He used His followers to do in "Bible times," even post-Pentecost.
Here is where the truth slaps me in the face: God remains unchanged. It's not that God doesn't still move mightily on the earth - I've heard the stories and seen the evidence! What a lie from the enemy that "God doesn't do that anymore." The difference between those stories and my life is me, not God - it's not happening where I walk, where I go, in my life. I am not walking forth with the authority of Christ in such a way that God is moving mountains. I'm not saying that I should be multiplying fishes and loaves and seeing the lame get up and walk, I am not an apostle. But there is nothing "risky" that I am praying for - nothing that, should God not demonstrate His mighty power, would utterly fail. I surround myself with safety nets fashioned with my own hands, and then pray prayers that fit safely inside my bubble. I add clarifiers to everything I say, and keep my expectations low enough that there's no real pressure on God to act, just incase I was wrong about Him or He decides not to for His own reasons.
Of course I do not see seemingly outrageous prayers answered - because they are offered up with insufficient faith! Why bother asking to see the hand of God move if "I really doubt it" and it's "highly unlikely"? One thing that I have become completely convinced of during my time here is that God chooses to fulfill His purposes on earth by working through people, not independently of them. No where on this earth does the Word of God go forth to accomplish anything that was not dispatched by a person, led by the Holy Spirit. God will not redeem a lost soul if that person is not first prayed for and/or witnessed to by a believer. So as I ride the BTS across Bangkok and see lost person after lost person hop on and off the train and I pray that they would be set free, do I really accomplish nothing by believing that most of them never will be? As I walk through the streets and count 10, 15, 20, 40 spirit houses, and I pray that they would come down, do I really accomplish nothing for the kingdom by believing that tomorrow I will pass the same spirit houses? Do I waste my breath by praying to see His kingdom on earth when I don't believe I ever will?
Do I misunderstand the sovereignty of God? I believe that God has ordained before the beginning of time everything that He will accomplish on earth until the end of time (Ephesians 2:10). The prayer is "YOUR will be done, YOUR kingdom come," so I obviously need to be praying for God to do His will. But will He do it regardless of my prayer? Yes, surely regardless of my prayer, but would He do it in the absence of prayer? And praying for "the will of God" in others lives almost seems like a cop out to me - prayer requests become irrelevant and you never actually pray about what is on the person's heart - it becomes a generic mantra to apply to any and every situation. The Scriptures also clearly communicate that we should pray specifically and present our requestS (not just one request) to God. How do I know what is God's specific will for me to pray for? Is it wrong to ask for things that I'm not sure are God's will? Obviously my prayers do not change God's will, but rather bring me into alignment with His will. But, for example, it is His will that "none should perish," so why, despite my petitioning, do those lost people continue to get off the train everyday as lost as they were when they boarded?
Paul was "given the authority of Christ" and "made a minister of the gospel" in order to "fill up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions" (Colossians 1) - what this communicates to me is that by proclaiming Jesus, His followers are intended to enforce the redeeming work that Christ accomplished on the cross, thus making the work complete by participating in spreading His grace to the people. There was nothing "lacking" in Christ's victory over sin and death through the cross and resurrection, but do I as His follower truly have a role in making that victory complete on earth? If so, what does that look like specifically, apart from the textbook "prayer, Bible reading and evangelism"? Am I seeking out more where nothing more ought be sought? Certainly not - certainly the Scriptures tell me that for all the seeking I could hope to do, there is more of God's character to blow my mind.
These are the vulnerable, candid wanderings of my mind...too limited, too finite to be wrapped around an unknowable God, the Incomparable Christ. I'm sure some of what I've written may verge on blasphemy - I pray that I cause no one to stumble, but rather encourage my family to desire to know Him more. I am so grateful that He has not treated me as my transgressions deserve and that I may even approach Him to know Him in the broken state in which I exist on this earth. I am not satisfied with "church answers" any longer, and I believe it honors God for us to seek to know Him deeply. I don't want this to be in my head anymore, I want it to be deep within me and to come out of me. And yet ultimately many of my questions may not have solid answers, and for this there is faith.
From where do I gain that increased measure of faith to pray for God to do big things? How do I bridge the gap between my heart and my head?
I've spent hours now thinking about it, and as much as I wish there was a formula, there just isn't one, but I've come up with two quasi-answers that I think will allow me to sleep.
1. Renew my mind with the Scriptures.
2. Just have the faith. Take the step in faith, and then my faith will grow.
I know that second one isn't really an answer, but it's all I got! I suppose another good answer would be "cease striving and know that I AM God."
Hope you at least laughed a little bit before you either got bored/confused/frustrated/gave up!
Also, it's now 4:30am.
Love from Thailand. :)
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